My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
