i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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