She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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