FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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