I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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