my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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