remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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