Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
