Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
