I wish life had little blips of pornography
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
