maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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