I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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