My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
