I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
