I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
