I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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