Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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