i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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