My first STD was from a foam party
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
