How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
