saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
