it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
