Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
