Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
