pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
