Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
