dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
