I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
