maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
