I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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