Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize