I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
