I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
