i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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