he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
