I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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