I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
