Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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