I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
