I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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