Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
