I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
