I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
