just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
