Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
