she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
