do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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