theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
