i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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