just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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