It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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