You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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