Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
