I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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