on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
