made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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