winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Randomize
