i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
